Why Do I Attract Narcissists?
Understanding Codependency in Relationships
Many people who repeatedly end up in relationships with narcissistic partners ask themselves the same painful question:
Why does this keep happening to me?
Often the answer is not weakness or bad luck, but a relational pattern known as codependency — a dynamic in which you unconsciously place the needs, moods, or approval of others above your own emotional truth.
On this page, you’ll learn how narcissism and codependency interact, how this pattern develops, and how therapy can help you break free from it.
Link to the Amsterdam main page relatieverslaving codepenency
I am Jovanna Vriend, a therapist that went through a similar process.
Don’t hesitate to call and feel if we have that necessary click.
I work in my practice in Amsterdam and online internationally.
+31648750093 jovannavriend@gmail.com
What Narcissism Really Means
Narcissism is more than selfishness or arrogance. At its core, it is a fragile psychological structure built around the need for admiration, control, or validation.
A narcissistic partner may appear confident or charming at first, but over time the relationship often becomes one-sided.
Emotional needs are dismissed, boundaries are crossed, and the focus remains on maintaining their sense of superiority or importance.
Why Codependent People Often Attract Narcists
Codependent individuals tend to be empathetic, loyal, and highly attuned to the emotional needs of others. These qualities can make them wonderful partners — but also vulnerable in relationships where giving becomes self-erasing.
Where a narcissist seeks validation and control, a codependent partner often seeks harmony and connection.
This creates a powerful psychological fit:
One person seeks admiration
The other seeks approval
One dominates the emotional space
The other adapts to maintain closeness
This is not a conscious choice. It is usually rooted in early relational patterns or learned emotional survival strategies.
How This Pattern Develops
Codependency often forms in environments where love, safety, or recognition were conditional. You may have learned to:
read emotional signals very quickly
keep the peace to feel secure
take responsibility for others’ feelings
suppress your own needs to maintain connection
When this pattern continues into adult relationships, it can lead to cycles of emotional imbalance, confusion, and exhaustion.
Signs You May Be Caught in a Narcissism–Codependency Dynamic
You may recognize this pattern if you often:
feel responsible for your partner’s emotions
doubt your own perception during conflicts
struggle to set boundaries without guilt
feel drained but unable to leave
hope that understanding or helping more will finally create balance
These patterns are not personal failures. They are learned relational strategies — and they can change.
“What if I am the narcissist?”
Many people who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic partner eventually ask themselves this question.
They read articles or watch videos and suddenly recognize certain behaviors:
“But I sometimes do that too… maybe I’m the narcissist.”
The very fact that you are asking yourself this question usually shows that you are capable of self-reflection — something that is often limited in narcissistic personality structures
In practice, the opposite is often true.
People who have been in a narcissistic relationship frequently start to doubt themselves.
After hearing for years that everything is their fault, they may begin to question their own perceptions.
They wonder:
Am I exaggerating? Am I too sensitive? Am I doing the same thing?
Self-reflection is an important difference
One striking difference is that people who ask this question usually have a strong capacity for self-reflection.
They are willing to examine their own behavior, ask questions, and try to understand relationship dynamics.
This openness to reflection and empathy is usually much less present in a narcissistic personality structure.
Similar behaviors can have very different meanings
Some behaviors may look similar on the surface:
standing up for yourself
wanting attention for your feelings
talking about your own experiences
needing appreciation
These are normal human needs.
The difference usually lies not in the behavior itself, but in the intention and the capacity for empathy.
Doubt can also be the result of gaslighting
Many people who have experienced narcissistic dynamics have also experienced gaslighting: repeated denial or distortion of their reality.
This can temporarily weaken trust in their own perceptions.
So it is not unusual for someone to ask:
“Am I seeing this correctly?”
Ironically, the ability to ask that question often shows that someone is capable of reflection and empathy.
How Therapy Can Help You Break the Pattern
Healing from codependency is not about becoming distant or self-focused. It is about developing a stable sense of self that allows for connection without losing yourself.
Therapy can help you:
understand the roots of your relational patterns
reconnect with your emotional boundaries
learn to trust your own perception again
build relationships based on mutual respect and balance
Change does not come from blaming yourself, but from gaining insight and new emotional tools.
Ready to Change This Pattern?
If you recognize yourself in this dynamic and would like support in breaking it, you are welcome to reach out.
We can explore together whether therapy with me feels like a good fit for you.
Just call to feel if there is the necessary click
As i said, I have personal experience with these patterns, so nothing will surprise me.
we can do sessions in my practice in Amsterdam and of course online worldwide
+31648750093